Keeping An Eye on Her
by Chicleeblair
Summary: Lexie has always known that Meredith watches everything that goes on in the hospital. She never thought that she would be grateful for it, and she was beginning to think that they would never see each other as sisters. She was wrong. Post 6.17


No one except Lexie's mother knew how much she could cry once she fibally allowed herself to. She bottled her feelings up for so long that eventually the bottle would explode, like the soda bottles she and Molly shook up to entertain themselves on hot summer days. She had not cried in so long that even though this was about Mark, she knew that the lump rising in her throat as she glided through the halls of the hospital had in it the dregs of sorrow over George, over her mother, over her father… she had cried in Mark's arms before, but she had never let go. Now she wasn't so much letting go as she had lost her grip.

And when she slammed into the door of the restroom, the last person in the world she expected to be standing under the paper towels was her sister. But while her thread of logic about wanting Mark to move on began to unravel, she realized that this was, in fact, what she had always wanted.

The few times in college that she had given into sobs her sorority sisters had disappointed her. They did not know what to do with emotions that ran as deep as ones that had been kept under lock and key for so long; particularly when the emotions seemed to have been spurred by nothing worse than a C on an exam. Really, they were left over from Ben Witherstaff cheating on her the October before. Even as she sank to the floor in front of the door she knew that Meredith would understand. Meredith had seen everything unfold over the past two years, after all, with her watchful eyes. She never got involved, but she never stopped monitoring everything that happened at the hospital. Usually it infuriated Lexie, but today she was grateful.

This thought was the last one she had before she realized that she could not breathe. She raised her eyes to Meredith's, in desperation, and her sister finally took action. She crossed the tile floor, the squeak of her sneakers echoing in Lexie's head.

"Lexie?" Meredith crouched in front of her, her fingers curled over Lexie's rigid arm. "Focus on me, okay? You need to breathe."

"I—I—I--."

"Don't try to talk. I know what you want to say. I've been there, Lexie. I know I never tell you anything, but I'm sure you've heard the gossip. I understand how much you hurt right now. I understand that your heart feels like it might explode, because your chest is too tight, and that absolutely everything hurts. It's not okay. But was even more not okay is that you're not breathing. So right now, we're just going to breathe."

"Oh-oh-kay," Lexie choked. Tears were soaking her face, but she kept her eyes locked on Meredith's calm face.

"In," Meredith instructed, reaching up to push heavy pieces of Lexie's hair away from her burning cheeks. "And out. In and out. Come on Lexie, good girl."

Each inhalation feels as though smoke is seeping into her lungs instead of air. Maybe something is wrong with her lungs, and then Teddy will have to operate. She can make Lexie's death look like an accident and she and Mark will go off into the sunset on a horse named Bill.

"Where are you?" Meredith murmured, squeezing Lexie's arm to bring her attention back. "Don't think about anything else. Inhale, and exhale. That's enough. It's enough for now."

_Enough. Enough for now._ The words sooth her enough to keep her breathing. Slowly, painfully, it gets easier. Her lungs start to open and contract on their own, and she relaxes the muscles that she was unaware that she was holding taught.

Then she sunk, her head falls down against their arms, and silent tears continued to flow out of her eyes. _Maybe it's being a product of Seattle,_ she thought, a little giddily. _All that moisture had to go somewhere_.

"Life isn't easy around here for Greys," Meredith murmured, extracting one hand to stroke Lexie's hair.

"Uh uh," Lexie moaned in agreement. "It sucks."

Meredith laughed a little. "You've got that right. But you're not alone, Lexie. Okay? I'm not the best sister in the world, but I don't want you to think that you're alone."

"It really, really seems like I am," Lexie admitted, sitting up to lean against the door.

"Yeah," Meredith said, leaning back on her heels. "I remember that. It isn't true, though."

Lexie nodded, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. "I'm okay," she whispered.

Meredith smiled, and there was a tenderness Lexie had never seen before in her eyes. "You're okay," she echoed. Then she stood up and returned to the paper towel holder. Lexie listened to the water running and then Meredith was back. Gently, her sister wiped off her face and hands with the cool paper towel, and pushed Lexie's hair behind her ears once more.

When the paper towels were thrown away, Lexie looked pitifully up at her sister. "I don't want to go out there," she whispered.

"We don't have to go yet," Meredith said, and sat down beside her. "We don't have to do anything."

"Don't you have Derek waiting? Or Cristina?"

"They probably are, somewhere. But you're my sister, Lexie. They can wait while I take care of you."

It was rare for Meredith to say those words, and every time she did Lexie felt a thrill of—something. Even in the darkness and pain she felt right then that thrill was there.

"You're more like me than you know," Meredith mused. "More than I wanted to see. So let me tell you two things now: stay away from the Elliot Bay, and never sleep with a man who you suspect might have a brain tumor."

Minutes before, Lexie didn't think that anything would be funny again, but this serious advice made her snort with laughter.

They sat there for a while longer, not speaking. Just breathing. Finally, Lexie thought that her legs might be willing to support her, at least to her car. "Okay," she said. "Let's go."

"You sure?" Meredith asked, her eyes staring into Lexie's, unflinching.

"No," Lexie admitted.

Meredith nodded. "Well then, let's go." She stood, and Lexie began to push herself up. A second later she blinked and saw that Meredith was holding her hand out. With small smile, Lexie reached up and took it. To her surprise, and maybe Meredith's too, her sister didn't let go as they stepped out of the bathroom. Maybe she knew that Lexie still needed that extra tug to step over the threshold and down the hall to the residents' lounge.

"Get changed," Meredith ordered. "I'll take you home."

"You don't have--."

Meredith raised a hand to silence her. "You have the choice not to be alone tonight, Lexie. If I were you, and I sort of am, I'd take it."

Lexie bit her lip in consideration, and then nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"It's what I'm here for," Meredith asserted.

Lexie slid her hand out of her sisters, reassured by the knowledge that when she needed to be pulled up again, it would be there. "Hey Meredith?" she said, as her sister watched her dig through her bag for her street clothes. "I think I like having a big sister."

Meredith laughed. "Don't tell anyone, but I think I'm okay with being a big sister."

Lexie nodded, and began to change her shirt. Her heart still felt like it was ripping a centimeter more with every beat, and when she blinked she felt tears lurking behind her swollen eyes. _Nothing has changed_, she thought as she walked with her sister out into the parking lot. Nothing had changed, but what was there might be more bearable than she had thought. After all, Meredith had done it. Maybe it was the time to follow in her sister's footsteps.


End file.
